By Giordana Toccaceli
He Wanted To Have Sex With Her But She Doesn’t Want Sex Anymore
We lean all the way in to understand why they act and feel the way they do instead of simply reacting from unknown states within them.
Well, let me share an example…
As we mined through her emotions and worked past the feeling of numbness, I helped Julie understand that feeling numb is simply the top layer emotion — the feeling that was conscious to her.
Numbness typically arises from being afraid, hopeless, and being scared of rejection.
So I asked Julie what happened and our conversation went like this…
Julie: “He came close to me to hug me and wanted to have sex with me. He was very unguarded, but I just pushed him away. I just didn’t want him to look at me that way.”
Gio: “What way?”
Julie: “Like vulnerable and in love with me.”
Gio: “Why is that? What were you feeling?”
Julie: “I don’t know……I was ……I was feeling angry……at him, I didn’t want him to look at me that way.”
Most people stay here — at this level of interaction with their partner, which leads their partner to shut down and close their heart to them.
Gio: “Were you feeling angry at him because you weren’t feeling the same way he was? Safe and trusting? In love? Vulnerable?”
Julie: “OMG. Come to think of it, yes… exactly Gio.”
Gio: “What was the fear you were feeling?”
Silence, as she stops to think…..
Julie: “I was feeling…… (thinks for a bit more)….wow….I was feeling….afraid….very sad…..”
Gio: “Okay, sad because you were feeling what?”
Julie: “I feel he doesn’t give to me as much as I give to him…..”
Gio: “Okay stay with that, go deeper — what is the fear? Because you don’t trust him you know that, right? What are you afraid of?”
Julie: “Yeah, that he will abandon me…that he doesn’t need me as much as I need him….he travels and leaves for days…”
Gio: “Which means you feel…?”
Julie: “Unwanted, unloved.” (Tears, deep sadness….)
Not sharing how we feel with out partner and trying to keep everything perfect or becoming reactive and explosive in the way we deal with our partner……both stem from self-rejection…..so the pressure you impose on yourself there is like this:
‘If I show him how angry I am he will abandon me, but if I pretend to be happy I abandon myself….Being with him means my true authentic feelings aren’t acceptable or at least it feels that way. He feels he can trust me, but I don’t trust myself with my emotions, I can’t let my guard down around him which means I resent him for that. If I have to pretend to keep his love it makes me hate being here. I feel jealous that he feels safe with me and I’m angry at him.”
Julie: “OMG (tears)….yes, Gio……..I feel a deep hole in my chest right now…”
Gio: “And that hole then becomes numbness…when you don’t know how to heal it. However, I bet after going into your pain you’re now starting to feel just how much you truly love him and want him, right?”
(As she moves past her feelings and gets through them, she comes back to the deep way in which she loves him and desires him.)
Julie: “Yes!” (tears)
Gio: “And you feel this way because he hasn’t spent time with you lately, correct? You feel you make it safe for him and you give to him, but he isn’t giving to you, not in the way you need?”
Julie: “Yes.” (Tears)
Gio: “And you don’t like that he can sometimes seem too independent and so focused on work, it makes you feel like he doesn’t need you, correct?”
Julie: “Yes.” (more tears.)
Gio: “When you pushed him away in anger, in a moment where he was so vulnerable with you and open to you, telling him nothing about why you feel this way, how did he respond?”
Julie: “He shut down.”
Gio: “Now imagine you approach him, wanting to make love to him, affectionate, unguarded…and he shuts you down, coldly…..instead of being vulnerable with you, how would that make you feel?”
Julie: “Unloved, unwanted……. Rejected.”
Gio: “So when I am angry I punish (humiliate) my partner….instead of giving him a chance and making it safe for him to understand what’s going on?”
This is where the trouble begins and ends in many relationships. Instead of giving our partner a chance by communicating how we really feel and perceive a situation, we push out and reject and begin hurting the trust and bedrock of the relationship.
When we hurt, we hurt our partner even more. Learning to make the subconscious emotions conscious, processing them in a healthy way and communicating them leads to greater intimacy in relationships with those we dearly love.
Locking our partner out won’t ever bring them closer, or get us the intimate relationship we crave so deeply.
When women pull away from sex with a partner they love or a husband they are married to, the core reason tends to be there is a lack of trust, safety, courtship (romance) and masculine energy polarity. Once these come back, women naturally open again and desire sex.